Stages Of Grief
by SmileyKat345
Summary: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Eli Stabler's murder pushes the SVU detectives to the edge, especially after it reveals a dirty little secret. Eventual E/O...I promise! :
1. Pologue

SVU FANFIC- STAGES OF GREIF

Prologue 1

_Rebecca Clifford had run upstairs to a bedroom in her friend Dickie's house. It was Eli's bedroom-pale blue walls, little ducks, little clouds, little Eli. As she approached Eli's bed she spotted a dark figure, which crept in to the room. Eli was fast asleep, so she didn't want to wake him by turning on the light. That's when the shadow acted. The man in the shadow violently grabbed the 13-year old, spun her around and held a hunting knife to her throat. This wasn't going to end well for Rebecca. _

"_Payback's a bitch, aint it?" _

_The voice was so familiar, too familiar, to the point where his voice swam through her ears and chilled her to the bone. She knew it from somewhere, the return of a repressed memory. Bottled somewhere inside herself is the name of the man standing behind her...she just can't place it._

_He holds her down, rapes her, and waits for her to stop screaming and fighting before her holds the knife to her throat once more. He cuts, and in one fatal blow to the neck she forcefully fell to the floor. Just in case little Eli had seen anything, he killed him in the same way, too many cuts for the 4 year old to survive. Having learned from his brother, the killer had learned how to swiftly murder someone without leaving evidence. He cleaned his mess and climbed through the window, making sure everything was left the way it should be._

_Prologue 2_

When Captain Cragen walked into his dusty, timber office the next morning his gut instinct proved today was going to be dramatic and exhausting on everyone, especially seeing as Olivia Benson had just called in sick. A 911 call was transferred to his cell, he panicked when he recognized the voice.

"Ca...Captain?...Captain Cragen?"

"Yes that's me, can you tell me what ha- Kathy?"

Sure enough, the distraught Stabler mother had called 911, asking for SVU. She knew that they always solved what they had, and that the Captain, and the rest of the team for that matter, would take extra care with this one.

"Y-yes, its me, Kathy...Stabler..."

"Is everything ok?"

"I came home last night to blood dripping from the staircase...our babysitter had rolled down the stairs from being attacked last night, inside our house!"

"Ok Kathy, this is not easy, but nobody can go in the house, it ma-"

"Tamper with any evidence because the house is now the crime scene, got it."

"Is Elliot around?"

"...no..."

Cragen was startled at Kathy's mumbled tone. She was grieving, he could understand, but why wasn't Elliot around to help her out?

"Where is he?"

"I don't know he left about a year ago, we got a divorce then, I haven't seen him since."

"Strange...well I'll be on my way with Detectives Munch and Fin and we'll-"

"Where's Olivia?"

"She called in sick..."

"Hmm, ok..."

Immediately Cragen knew that grueling gut feeling was correct, this was going to be a bad day, and a lot of work for the detectives.

The ride to the Stabler house was a familiar and yet unsettling one. Cragen hadn't seen Elliot, or any of his family since he left the unit. While Fin drove the sedan to the house, Cragen's cell buzzed. It read the name 'Benson', and for the first time that day Don Cragen had felt the infuriating pressure. Is Olivia ok? Does she know anything?

"Olivia, what's up?" After 12 years of being her boss, Cragen talked to her more like a father than a higher power, especially with his current emotion.

"Cap, I'm coming in to work today."

All Captain Cragen could think was _shit_. He didn't want to have to tell her where he is, but he had to...

"Oh, so you're not sick anymore?"

"Its just a small cold, nothing serious."

"So just a few sniffs? You should still stay home, Liv, legally you're not allowed to work today."

"That's bull. I have worked here so much sicker than before!"

She had a point...was it bad that Cragen didn't want her to know what had happened?

"By the way...I just pulled up to the precinct...where are you and Munch and Fin? Is there a new case? Are you on the field?"

"We're...yeah..." Seems like Don failed. He couldn't have hid this from Olivia for long. Sometimes he hated how good and enthusiastic she was about her work. When he thought about it, Olivia Benson doesn't really have much else to live for, her job was all she had left.

"Well, where are you? I'll meet you there!" She exclaimed with an excited tone. New cases always excited her, and she always thought she had to prove how good she was to Cragen and the other detectives, to make sure tat just because she was a woman doesn't mean she identified herself with anything in the case. Olivia always needed to show that she wasn't weak...when the going gets tough, she kicks the tough in the ass! Cragen usually loved that about her, but this time was different, this time she didn't know what she was getting herself into, but he didn't want to lie to her.

"We're...we're at the Stabler residence."

There was a pause

Too long a pause

Immediately Cragen knew he shouldn't have said anything

"Liv...are you ok?"

He could hear her breath getting heavier over the phone, and with good reason, too. 'New case', 'Stabler residence'; they were two phrases that should never belong together.

"Yeah," she exhaled with stress in her voice. Cragen knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Liv, Elliot hasn't lived there in about a year, he's fine."

Olivia's sigh of relief almost instantaneously occurred. It was natural for her to be worried; her mind always goes to the worst places when something like that is mentioned. Anyone's mind would.

"Cap, what are you doing at Elliot's?"

"Investigating the rape and murder of the babysitter. Everyone else is fine." There was a long pause, but Olivia finally spoke up.

"I'll meet you there." Olivia stated in a blunt, almost frustrated tone.

Cragen hung up his phone and placed it in his coat pocket. He walked up to the Stabler house, approaching Melinda Warner, the CSU team, Kathy, and the rest of the Stabler family. They all began investigating the scene. While Melinda took Fin and CSU through the house to find blood, Munch stayed with the family, and Cragen waited for Olivia, no one had gone upstairs yet.


	2. Denial

SVU FANFIC- STAGES OF GREIF

_Chapter 1- Denial_

Driving from the precinct to Elliot's house was a route Olivia knew like the back of her hand. They were partners for 12 years, and in that time they had gone to each other's houses, making sure things were fine with work, and sometimes just to visit and say hello. As much as Olivia liked doing that, though, Kathy didn't. Then again, Olivia didn't really care. As much as Olivia tried to be friends with her, Kathy always suspected some kind of affair. And as much as Olivia wanted that to be true...it wasn't.

_Stop it._

12 years. 12 years Olivia was fighting this denial of her love for Elliot. She knew she did, but couldn't bring herself to admit it. Somehow she knew she would be pushed to the edge today...it was a feeling she couldn't keep down. Cragen had already told her Elliot was safe, but he also said nobody knew where he was. Olivia never had any strange problems with anxiety or anything, but she had been battling with the stress of her workload since Elliot left, and her anxiety over where he was and what he was doing. While most old partners would be just more than curious, Olivia panics, holding an irrational fear over the worst-case scenario.

She followed the piercing police sirens and general community curiosity to the Stabler residence, and suddenly all her enthusiasm about wanting to solve a case involving the Stablers was replace by fear and anxiety. Pulling up to the house, all she could see was a large crowd containing a mix of cops, CSU, neighbors, and the Stabler family. Kathy's face appeared a mix of emotions. The shock of this event has resulted in her wide eyes, but as she noticed Olivia walking up to her, her lips scrunched up with fury, like she had actually done anything wrong!

_You can't do this to her...not yet...not now..._

Olivia did want to try and make peace with Elliot's wife, but after several attempts, Kathy still refused. Somehow Kathy always wanted to blame Olivia for something, so she eventually just gave up. Maybe it was this underlying paranoia, or Olivia's unquestionably accurate gut feeling, but since she rescued Kathy from her car and witnessed the birth of her younger son Eli in the ambulance, Kathy seemed different. She always mocked her, gave her death glares, and scrunched up her face when she saw Olivia. Still, the two managed to be civilized in their dispute.

Olivia pulled Munch away from Kathy and started asking him about the details of the scene. He addressed them, and even at the mention of the victim's name she knew something was up. Rebecca Clifford? Olivia had heard that before, but she had to figure out how.

"Rebecca Clifford was raped and then killed. She was the babysitter here last night. Fin and Warner might have more info."

"She was the babysitter?" Olivia began a quick head count of the Stabler children and surely enough...Eli was missing.

_One way or another you'll have to speak to her...so just do it!_

And in a deep sigh of annoyance, Olivia turned to Kathy, "Where's Eli?"

"Probably still in his bed. The stupid doctors wouldn't let me near the house so I asked Melinda to let me know if Eli is ok...she said she'll let me know when she knows."

Olivia knew that answer all to well. She held so much fear for Eli's safety. Out of her kindness, as much as she hated Kathy, she ran to the entrance of the Stabler house to find out any information she could from Fin and Warner.

"Melinda!" Olivia exclaimed, running and panting in a mixture of fear and anticipation. Warner looked less than glad to see her. She admired Olivia's determination to solve this case, but she knew the news that neither Olivia nor Kathy could tolerate at the moment.

"Liv...are you ok being here?"

Any positive thought she had has now been washed away with confusion, and taken over by fear.

"What do you mean? It's just another case! I'm fine!"

Warner rolled her eyes. The best way to tell that there's something wrong with Olivia is when she says "I'm fine." because she's not, she never is. If anything, it just reassured the fact that Olivia was not ready to hear what Warner was going to say next, provided Liv asked.

"Have you been upstairs to check Eli? How is he?" Her heart began pounding more and more with each and every word. The sudden realization that the child might not be ok chilled her, because she knew that was a very real possibility.

This made things all the more hard for Melinda, as she had to come clean with the truth. She took a big, deep breath until the tightness in the chest was too much. She exhaled and stared at Olivia's dark brown, worried eyes, which were clear indications that if bad news were coming…she would crumble.

"The little kid? Eli Stabler? He's dead, Liv. Cut up the same way our victim was, I'm sorry."

And with that, Melinda Warner was out of breath. She could see the tears well up in Olivia's eyes...the thoughts that would be going through her head right now.

_What? How? No... There's a mistake! Surely there's a mistake! Really?_

Olivia couldn't keep track of all of the thoughts bouncing around her head at the time. To make sure Warner was indeed telling the honest to God truth, she ran upstairs to Fin, who was already giving her a sympathetic look.

Olivia glared back at him. Sure she was a woman, and sure this was a sensitive case for her, but that gave Fin no right to feel sorry for her!

Each step as she slowly walked toward the blood-covered bed was proof against her bursting denial. Eli Stabler was indeed cut up violently...lying there like a doll, lying there like he just fell asleep with copious amounts of red paint all over him. This didn't seem real...it hit too close to home to be real. She felt a large, comforting hand rubbing her back, easing the tears out of her eyes. Through the blurriness of her tears she could see a saddened Fin, with a sympathetic Munch behind him. They both gave her a hug she needed. As they made their way down the stairs, out the front door and towards the car they passed a now officially distraught Kathy, who still managed to give Olivia a death glare.

The drive back to the precinct was quiet. After discovering a case, it always is. This silence, however, was so awkward and yet so saddening that it didn't seem right to say anything. Fin was focusing on the road, eyes tearing up now and then. Munch was in the front passenger seat, caught up in the silence. And Olivia was with Cragen in the back seat. While she stared out the window, he was trying to comfort her. She had to admire and commend all of the detectives' efforts. They did a great job at collaboratively mimicking Elliot. She chuckled at the thought for a very quick period and then switched back to her window.

_Oh God...Elliot...I wonder if he knows. I wonder how he would feel, how he would react...it was probably a good thing he wasn't here. His shock would've lead him straight to rage, possibly taken out on Fin, Munch, Cragen, Kathy...or even me..._

The 1-6 Precinct looked like it always did. Every desk was suffocating in a sea of paperwork. The 1970s telephones were still constantly ringing, and the smell of overheating computers and burnt coffee was in the air. As soon as Detective Benson walked into the squadroom everyone stopped and stared. The great Detective Olivia Benson...is getting emotional...again. The great Detective Olivia Benson looks like a mess...again. The great Detective Olivia Benson misses Elliot Stabler..._again._ It was dead silent as she walked to her desk, so quiet she could even hear her own footsteps. It made her sick, how everyone was looking at her, and why? Because her ex-partner's youngest child is dead, and EVERYONE wanted to see how SHE would take it! She was starting to get angry, she could feel it, but she still couldn't admit it...

She sat down at her desk like it was any normal day, and ignored the stares until they stopped. Her eyes met with Nick Amaro's, and he gave her a sympathetic look. Usually she hated this, but she had calmed down, and fully accepted that this wont be an easy thing to get over. She needed all the help she could get right now...

A surprisingly enthusiastic Rollins walked up to Olivia's desk with some exciting news, not that she was really in the mood to hear any of it right now. Going home seemed like the best option for her at the moment, and if she just left, Cragen would understand why, everyone would. So she did...leaving Rollins to tell Amaro her exciting news. Olivia was probably getting that flu back again anyway.


	3. DenialAnger

SVU FANFIC- STAGES OF GREIF

Chapter 2: Denial/Anger

Cragen looked outside his office door to check on the squadroom. Olivia was gone. _Good girl _he thought to himself. Today was way too much for her to handle, especially seeing as she was sick anyway. To say your coming into work and then have that piled on you is too much to handle. He sat down at his desk, not bothered to read through any past paperwork. He was too stressed with the thought of Elliot's family, how Olivia is going to cope with it, and how this is going to effect his squad. At the moment his best bets detective wise were Amaro and Rollins, who had just walked in to the office with some news.

"Cap?" Cragen's weary old eyes met Amaro's, and again he gave a sympathetic look. Being a new detective, Nick Amaro didn't understand much about the squad, but he tried to support Olivia and the others as much possible. He never knew Elliot or any of the Stablers, which is probably why its so hard for him to understand. Still, Cragen knew Nick was trying.

"Nick, Amanda, whats the news?" Cragen exhaled, attempting to be authoritative, but this case was going to hit a lot harder than he expected.

"We found a link with the victim," Rollins began, "Rebecca Clifford is linked with an old case about 6 years ago. She and her brother Ryan were abducted after her family was killed and her older sister Amy was raped." As she continued, Cragen successfully recalled those events. He remember that case, it tore his two best detectives apart.

"W-Well, who was the perp then?"

Amanda Rollins sighed, "Victor Paul Gitano, but he was shot dead while Olivia and her old partner were trying to calm him."

Cragen let out an annoyed sigh. He remembered Gitano, he remembered watching videos that Dr. Huang had while Gitano was in a treatment program.

"So...square one? How are you so sure the perp is out to get the babysitter and not the baby?"

"Warner came back with the results," Amaro chimed in, "Rebecca and Eli were cut in the exact same way that Rebecca's family was back then."

"So you think this was a revenge kill?"

"Its possible, she was the only Clifford left."

"Gitano said that the victims weren't important though."

"Gitano is also dead."

"Well then he can't be our perp!" Cragen was getting annoyed. This day had been bad enough as is. Olivia wasn't here to pick up the pieces of the murder, Munch and Fin were too distressed to get anything done, so he was stuck with the two newbies who don't know anything about anything!

Rollins could see Cragen was getting angry, and she needed to calm him down.

"Sir, no disrespect but we can just check Gitano's family and their priors...see if anything pops up that matches Gitano's MO."

"Well...I suppose that could work...try it."

Cragen knew that Amaro and Rollins would spend the rest of the day on their computers and trying to work out the rest of the case. Munch and Fin helped out any way they could, and the captain figured Olivia would be fine by tomorrow. Looking out to the squadroom, Nick and Amanda reminded Cragen of Elliot and Olivia when they first started-determined, enthusiastic, and so unaware of what things they will encounter.

_Ring...ring...ring...answer it, El...come on you know you want to..._

Olivia was at home, curled up on her couch with the same blanket she used 2 years ago when she had to stay home from the flu. Her face was red and blotchy, and her eyes were blurry with tears-some from the loss of Eli, some from the cold, but most from the fear that Elliot might not pick up the phone.

_Ring...Ri- "Hi, you've reached Elliot Stabler. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but I'll return your call as soon as possible, thanks. -BEEP-"_

"El-Elliot, its Liv. Please call back as soon as you can, I have something important to tell you."

Her voice cracked on every word. She wasn't ready to tell Elliot about Eli, but she had to, how could she live this down? She picked up her cell and tried again.

_Ring...ring...ring...Come on El! Ring...Ri- "Hi, you've reached Elliot Sta-" FUCK!_

Olivia slammed her phone on her desk with the strength she had left. This was nuts! Didn't Elliot care about his own son? Didn't he want to know about what Olivia has to tell him? Didn't he care...at all? Then she figured it out...He didn't want to talk to her, he didn't care about what she had to say, he didn't need to hear her voice, and as she lay in her couch and sniffed her flu and sadness away, she was perfectly fine with that.

She stared at the ceiling of her apartment. She was alone, _too alone._ It was way too quiet and she was way too upset to do anything about it. She still didn't admit it…she still wouldn't admit it. There was no way she wouldn't be appreciative of what she has, or how her life is, it could be better if she added something, but she didn't complain.

_Something? Elliot. Elliot. Come on, its Elliot!_

_STOP IT!_

Olivia tried to accept it, but 12 years of being in love with a man she couldn't have drained her, and though she tried to deny it now, it was really hard for her. Probably because now that Elliot has left SVU, it is officially impossible to reach him.

_-buzz-_

_-buzz-_

_-buzz-_

Olivia turned over to the side of the couch, and buried her face in it. She didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone. Not now, not ever. She didn't mind her sick face, she didn't care about her cold, she just wanted to lay here and forget about the rest of the world. And really, how hard is that to do?

_-buzz-_

_-buzz-_

_-buzz-_

"Fuck..." Olivia muttered under her breath. If she didn't answer the first time, she wasn't going to answer again. She still turned over to her cell phone, with the hopeful thought that maybe, MAYBE it was Elliot this time. Nope. Her white iPhone read the name 'Warner'. With a heavy cough, she answered the phone.

"Hey Melinda, anything new?"

"Liv, you sound terrible."

"I'm fine." In that pause, Olivia could picture Melinda's eyes rolling. "I really am."

"Ok well if you are then you should come down to the lab, I have something to show you."

"Melinda I'm not coming in today…"

"Liv…" Melinda began with her serious tone. It was a last resort, but it was the only way she could get Olivia to the lab. "It's about Eli…and Elliot…"

And with that, there was no response. Olivia had hung up and rushed to the lab, panic overtaking her weakness from the flu.


	4. Anger

SVU FANFIC- STAGES OF GREIF

Chapter 3-Anger

A frantic race to the M.E's lab and she knew that whatever Melinda was going to tell her was important, and did help with this traumatizing case. She burst through the swinging doors of the medical examiners' room. The place stank of sanitizers and cleaning products, as it always does. A distraught Melinda was standing over Eli's table with a computer next to her, showing some DNA result or something. A sudden rush cost Olivia a huge headache and some dizziness, as she rushed here and then started to get her flu symptoms back. Few seconds passed and the detective recovered, staring at Warner's weary eyes.

"Melinda, what've you got?" Olivia exhaled, exasperated and exhausted by her rush to the lab.

"As procedure, I ran a DNA test on Eli to check that he's…well…Eli."

"Isn't that what Kathy's for? To identify the victim?"

"This is just for medical confirmation. I wouldn't usually bring you down here unless it was something unusual. Check this out."

Melinda opened a few images on the computer; one Eli's DNA, one Kathy's DNA, and one Elliot's DNA.

"Elliot volunteered a sample when he came here, like the rest of the detectives."

"Ok…"

"Hey, when was Eli born?"

"January 17th I know that better than anyone why?"

"Do you know when Elliot went home?"

"Uhh…around June?"

"That's 7 months…"

"Eli was premature."

"Then why do all the doctors report's say that Eli was a full grown, 9 month, healthy baby?"

Olivia stood there shocked for a second. She was _there _when Eli was born. Maybe she was wrong about when Elliot came home? No, that didn't make sense, seeing as 9 months before Eli's birth Elliot was in Philadelphia with Olivia trying to track down her brother. Nothing made sense in her head anymore, her memory was jumbled, she obviously couldn't make sense of it…

"I noticed something strange when I tried to merge the DNA patterns together…they don't match up."

"So…that's not Eli?"

"No…that is definitely Eli, but…he's not Eli _Stabler._"

"Wait…What?"

"All the DNA given from the mother is the same, Kathy is definitely Eli Stabler's mom. Elliot, on the other hand…"

"…Is not the father…"

"Bingo. The reason why Eli was born fully healthy was because Kathy was with another man 2 months before Elliot went back there…which also means-"

"Kathy cheated on him…" Olivia's tone quickly switched from shock to fury. How could she treat someone like Elliot so badly? How could Elliot be so blind? Why would you do that? She had no right to cheat, fall pregnant and act like Eli was Elliot's child! She had NO right to play with Elliot's feelings like that! She tricked him for a whole 4 years? Really? It was rude, it was selfish, what Kathy did could never be excused because it was unfair…to Elliot, to Eli, and to _her._

_And you know exactly why, Liv!_

As much as she wanted to stop her thought process, it was indeed correct. Olivia had been completely possessed with a fiery rage, and anyone who could see the embers flare in her chocolate brown eyes would know that she will kill Kathy Stabler at any cost, but most people won't know why. Vengeance? Maybe. Anger? Definitely.

Love?

Well…as much as she denied it, hell yeah.

Minutes passed and Olivia finally spoke up, "I'm gonna go tell the Captain."

"He already knows," Melinda chirped in, "I sent the results to him, Kathy has been brought in the precinct for questioning."

Olivia nodded with a slightly evil smirk on her face.

"Liv…I know how badly you want to take this whole thing out on Kathy…but she just lost her son…"

"Yeah? A son that shouldn't even be hers!" And with that, Olivia Benson stormed out of the M.E's office and towards the squadroom, only to find Kathy there, speaking to Cragen in the middle of the room.

This was it

For the pain and the anger

For revenge of an immoral deed

But most importantly

_For Love_

Olivia Benson blasted through the huge SVU doors and bolted towards Kathy Stabler. Furious as anything, she screamed her heart out at the frail, yet bitchy mother.

"You lying, cheating, manipulative BITCH!" She screamed as she stomped towards her and threw her hand across Kathy's cheek, leaving a distinctive red handpirnt on her face.

But she didn't stop.

"HOW could you do that to Elliot, hm? HOW?" A backhand to the other cheek.

"After EVERYTHING he did for you, THIS is how you repay him? You see another guy? You sleep with him, cheat on your husband who was NOTHING BUT FAITHFUL TO YOU! You get pregnant and pretend that Eli is HIS for the next four years? Are you insane? Why would you do something like that to such an honest person? He doesn't deserve that!"

About 10 slaps later and Olivia calms down a little. Her rage subsides only just enough for Kathy to finally speak out.

"You're right…He didn't deserve that…"

Olivia glared, "You're damn right he didn't!"

"But in all fairness…we were already divorced…"

That didn't help Olivia calm down at all, "He still loved you…he was still faithful to you…he wouldn't have done anything like that to hurt you…"

"I was worried at the time that he was screwing you…"

_Oh no…not now…not again…_

Kathy using that argument…that was pretty stupid, but before Olivia could bite back she spoke again. "I mean, he wasn't entirely faithful to me…I'm sure you can agree with at least that. But I will admit that lying to him wasn't a good thing, I should've told him the truth. Do you know why I didn't?"

Annoyed, Olivia had to answer, "Why?"

"Because I knew that if I told him Eli wasn't his then he would go straight back to you!"

Olivia stood there, shocked, dumbfounded…but ultimately appalled. Kathy was lying to her face! Not like Olivia didn't want it to be true…but still she knew it wasn't. "That's not the kind of person he is… he would've helped you! For Eli's sake, and for the rest of the family!"

"Liv…he was in love with you. Elliot didn't go a day without talking about you and the job. Now I'll admit I was jealous but you stole his heart a long time ago…"

"You're lying."

"Cross my heart. I always knew he would fall for you."

"He never did."

"That's why I lied about Eli being his…to make sure he would come back and that we would be a family again. And besides, Liv, I'm sure you would want that to be the truth too." She stormed out of the squadroom, leaving a scornful tone resting in Olivia's ears. The Great Detective walked away…so blinded with rage that she didn't bother to notice the other squad members, including Cragen, stare at her in shock, all with their jaws dropped as far as possible.


	5. AngerBargaining

Chapter 4- Anger/Bargaining

_Eli…why?_

Left

_How did God let this happen?_

Right

_My youngest child…my son_

Left. Right.

_Nothing was supposed to happen…_

Left. Right.

_I left the squad. There shouldn't have been a threat._

Right Left Right

…_Right?_

Left Right Left Right

_Who's next? Lizzie?_

Left Right Left Right

…_Dickie?_

Left Right Left Right

_Kathleen?_

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

_Maureen?_

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

_Kathy?_

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

…_her…_

Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right Left Left Right Left Right Right Left Right

SLAM

The punching bag flung from its hanger after Elliot Stabler punched it to its limit. He washed the blood from his pale knuckles and replaced the punching bag in the Philadelphia Gym. He had fled there after leaving the squad and splitting up with his family. Kathy understood that he needed time to think about the shooting, the squad, and Olivia. He kept regular checks with Kathy, and a few days ago he heard about Eli's death. He didn't know much else, either because nothing else had happened, or because there were things that Cragen just didn't want to tell him.

A few short, calming exhales guided Elliot's heartbeat down slowly. The loss of his youngest son had put him into a fiery rage from the moment he found out. That, plus the paranoid thoughts of other threats being against him or anyone he loves sent his heart rate skyrocketing more days than not. He waited until his heart gave up trying to escape his ribcage. Sitting down on the green paint-shed wooden bench, his tired right hand clutched his blue water bottle, and the cool, refreshing liquid slid down his throat, and comforted his heart.

_-Buzz-_

_-Buzz-_

'Oh no. Not now…not yet…' Elliot groaned to himself, still wanting to stay in his small moment of tranquility and peace. Unfortunately, his cell phone wouldn't let that be an option.

_-Buzz-_

"Stabler."

"Elliot, glad you picked up."

Well, it wasn't _her _but it didn't mean he wasn't glad to hear someone's voice from the squad. Cragen's voice

"Yeah well…yeah. What've you got?"

"You remember that Gitano case you worked with Benson a few years ago?"

_Benson. That's right. We were colleagues, partners…nothing more._

"Yeah, why?"

"There might be something you need to see…"

Elliot didn't like Cragen's tone. There was an uncertainty to it, like he needs to see something that will skew the entire case. Either IAB is getting involved, or Warner has something in the lab, or Fin and Munch have made some kind of breakthrough during their investigation. Whatever the reason was, this was Eli they were talking about. Elliot could not risk not knowing any kind of news that had to do with his son's murder.

"Wanna give me a hint?"

"El…you might have to come down to see it."

"Fine. Give me an hour."

And with a long sigh of panic and frustration, Elliot hung up his cell and made his way to the plum sedan, one of the few memories he has kept from the squad.

Of course, the way Elliot drives, it would take less than an hour to get to the 1-6, but he wanted to stop and visit someone, as his important wisdom and advice could help him right now.

"Father?"

"Elliot? Elliot Stabler? That you?"

"Yeah, yeah its me."

His spot felt familiar; the cool wooden chair that comforted the sinful, and the timber window that Elliot looked through every single confession to speak to the only one who will listen. Fr George was Elliot's long time companion and advice giver, and Elliot would only turn to him if he desperately needed help.

"Elliot, this hardly seems like the time for you to confess. Come outside, have a casual chat."

Obeying the priest's word, Elliot walked out of the church to meet him out the front.

"Now then, tell me what's been bothering you lately?"

Elliot sighed. Already Fr knew that something was bothering him. He knew it was probably a bad idea to visit the priest in the first place, but he got this far, it would be even worse to lie to the priest and walk away right now.

"Well…Eli has been murdered."

"My condolences. May the Lord be with you and your family, and those who care for you."

"Thanks, father."

"So Elliot tell me, what guidance do you need?"

"My old boss wants me to help them with the investigation. I don't know if I can bring myself to it."

"Elliot, finding your son's killer will give you closure, and helping your old friends put him behind bars will be rewarding. It won't bring your son back, but the justice you serve the man will surely send him to a place where he will receive his punishment rightfully from God."

"I just wish there was more I could do."

"All you can do is have faith in your colleagues and, at most, contribute. You haven't seen your co-workers in a year, don't you think its time you paid them a little visit?"

"Hmm…well I guess. Thanks, father."

"Good luck, Elliot."

And with that, Elliot Stabler drove out of Philadelphia and into Manhattan, to help out his good old friends at the 1-6. Driving to the old structure was one of the most grueling and daunting tasks Elliot had ever faced. There were so many things that have happened, so many cases, and so many changes. Elliot couldn't bring himself to think about the new detectives Cragen had hired to replace him. He thought about Fin and Munch, and how much he was dying to see his old friends. Elliot couldn't help but smile at the thought of seeing Cragen, its like being reunited with a family. And then…there was _her._

_Her…_

That one name he couldn't bring himself to say.

He missed her _so much. _

But she probably hated him now.

He never returned any calls.

What was he going to say?

_I wonder if she misses me…_

-BEEP-

_Note to self, Elliot: Don't start daydreaming about her while you're driving!_

Elliot was on the same street, almost pulling up to the precinct. Cragen was outside waiting for his car to reach the all-too-familiar destination.

"Elliot!" Cragen yelled and waved from the front steps of the precinct. Elliot pulled up to the precinct and waved back through the car. He exhaled a sigh of relief. Returning to the squad was going to turn out fine…right?

He strolled in anxiously, all the familiar scents returning to his brain. The nostalgia overwhelmed him, but the first person he saw he didn't recognize. This place really had changed a lot while he was gone. The tan skinned man offered his hand for Elliot to shake. His dark eyes gave Elliot a sense of comfort; obviously this guy has never met Elliot, nor seen the way people treat him. Thank God for his innocence though. He shook the new detective's hand with a warm smile.

"Hi. Elliot right? I'm detective Nick Amaro. I've heard a lot about you."

Elliot frowned at the thought. "Well, I hope its all good."

"All good. There's really nothing you need to be worried about."

"Well good." Elliot proceeded to meet Munch and Fin, who were sitting at their usual spots.

"ELLIOT STABLER!" Fin screamed from the other side of the room, making everyone else turn to Fin's line of sight.

"Well, its about time!" Munch jeered as he turned around with his wrinkly smile. They both rose and hugged Elliot.

"Thanks guys, its great to be here."

Feeling reassured, Elliot proceeded to his old desk, where Amanda Rollins interrupted him.

"Hi. I'm detective Rollins. I'm new around here."

Confused, Elliot still shook her hand. "Have you replaced…?"

_Shit._

Elliot still couldn't say her name.

"…Benson? No no, she's still very much here, but she stormed out a while ago. Haven't seen her in a while."

"Alright. Thanks for letting me know."

Elliot was relieved that _she _was still around. But what had made her storm out? He wasn't going to follow her; he just couldn't yet. He sat down at her desk, where Nick updated him with the investigation. His words became muffled, however, when Elliot noticed a small picture frame of him holding Eli on her desk…

_Me?_

_Me…and Eli…_

_But she, she kept it…_

_She…_

He felt a tear trickle down his cheek. He was ready to see her. Olivia had kept the memory of Elliot with her for a whole year.

"Stabler?"

His head shot up, his aqua blue eyes piercing Nick's in confusion. He obviously hadn't been paying attention. "Wha?"

"Does the name 'Victor Gitano' mean anything to you?"

He nodded. Gitano did ring a bell, he just wasn't sure where from.

"Well anyway, Warner needs to brief you on the medical evidence. Brace yourself-Eli is in there."

And without saying a word, Elliot sighed in exhaustion, stood up, and made his way to the M.E's office.


End file.
